Menopause. The heinous bitch that makes each of us women suffer when being forced into monthly periods should be enough. She makes us cry, bloat, cramp, yell, bleed…and then, when we think it’s all over, she burns us with hot flashes, cuts off the hormone supply which makes us moody and unstable, and then she makes us gain weight. If I see another “FUPA” or “cortisol” commercial, I just may throw the TV out the window. For those who don’t know, FUPA stands for “fatty upper pelvic area.” As if that makes it cute. And yes, Menopause should be capitalized. Anything that powerful is its own entity.
I never had this problem before Menopause. I had the opposite “problem”. All through high school, when I was the choir dork who didn’t know how to talk to boys, I was 110 lbs and had abs to die for. It took me several years after I became a grown up to actually “grow up” and learn to love myself. When Menopause reared her ugly head, though, my metabolism slowed down, so I gained weight. My thyroid stopped working, so I gained weight. Because of my thyroid, I was tired, so I gained weight. I got depressed and ate ice cream…fill in the blank here. Blah blah blah, weight gain. And here I am at 57, fifty pounds out of my comfort zone. Don’t misunderstand – I still love myself, and I know there’s nothing inherently WRONG with the way I look. I’m still worthy, I’m still loved, I’m still the same person inside. The outside, though, doesn’t reflect that. For the first time in my life, I look at photos of myself and it’s not ME. It’s some person who I honestly don’t recognize (my self-image is stuck at 135 lbs, when I felt the best about myself physically).
Weightwatchers, which I had done periodically through the perimenopause years when I felt like I should lose 10-15 lbs or so, doesn’t work for me anymore. Nutrisystem? Tried it, faithfully eating the mostly good, occasionally disgusting pre-made foods. I lost a total of about eight pounds over the course of four months and over $2000. Intermittent fasting? Ineffective for me. Paleo? Keto? I won’t do the high maintenance stuff, sorry. OK, I probably would if it was my last resort. I have friends who have done the paleo and keto diets successfully. But with ADHD, I don’t even have the concentration to plan dinner every night, let alone meal prep. Besides, a diet without bread and cheese is useless for me. I can do moderation…but occasionally, a comfort-food dinner of tomato soup and a grilled cheese is necessary.
I have a goal, which is almost always a good idea. My 40-year class reunion is in July and I’m bowling Women’s Nationals in Vegas in June. By the beginning of June, I want to be down at least 30 lbs, be in the shape that will allow me to walk from one end of the Strip to the other without panting from anything other than the desert heat, and feel GOOD about myself. I believe those are all achievable. And the bonus to losing weight just may be a lower blood pressure and a less obnoxious (and possibly nonexistent) sleep apnea.
Now, if anyone has a cheap hookup for Tirzepatide, or some commercial entity wants to hire me to be a spokesperson and follow my journey, I’m more than happy to consider it. Between now and then, it’ll just be hard work and, most likely, glaring at my husband and his rocky road ice cream. At the end, you might even get a before-and-after comparison photo. Wish me luck and stay tuned!